HANDLING STURBORNESS

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Years ago, Christine Cosgrove wrote a story about a little boy called Matthew. For the first eight months of Matthew’s life, he cried 18 hours a day. As he got older, Matthew terrorized babysitters by throwing tantrums or locking them out of the house. At age 4, his response to a time-out in his room was to kick the door down or climb out of a window. The most stressful moment of all is that Matthew’s attitude was so unbearable that his pediatrician called his mother every morning, for a year, to find out how she was coping.

Matthew and your kids might be acting the same way or even worse, and you are tired of it. You don’t know why and how the stubbornness began. All you want right now is the solution to it all.

Studies show that kids in this category are experiencing a number of developmental changes causing them to behave in this way; this doesn’t mean that something is wrong with them or that your parenting skills are bad. Remember, this is a mild stubbornness that most kids exhibit, and in years to come, they will change.

But there is another type of stubbornness, often a trait and is noticed when your kids are just toddlers. This trait will then continue well into their adolescent years and, sometimes, into adulthood if not noticed and controlled on time. This is the kind of stubbornness you don’t want to tolerate.

Therapists say it’s true that stubborn children are more willing to do what’s right than what their peers are doing. If you can inspire them and turn their motivation toward succeeding academically or having a meaningful purpose, your children can become motivated leaders who will do the right thing even if they have to do it on their own. Also, strong-willed children can be highly intelligent and creative. Wow, isn’t this great?

Even while there are circumstances where being stubborn can be advantageous, it is still a trait that needs to be managed. Before you know the solutions, there are some signs you should be aware of to determine if your children are actually experiencing mild or severe stubbornness. Keep in mind that these signs are based on both studies and experiences.

So what are those signs?

1. Stubborn kids ask a lot of questions which may come across as rebellion to you.

2. Stubborn kids have opinions and are “doers.” They will stick to their own opinions and will listen to what you have to say.

3. Stubborn kids can be fiercely independent. They don’t want you to bother them. All they want is the freedom to do their things at their own pace, even under your roof.

4. Stubborn kids have a strong desire to be heard and acknowledged. So, they may often seek your attention by creating problems.

5. All children throw tantrums but stubborn kids may do so more often.

6. Stubborn kids have strong leadership qualities. They can be “bossy” sometimes.

7. Strong-willed kids have strong gut reactions that they’ll battle for even when it’s illogical. They are not afraid of anyone.

8. They are devoted and unafraid to tell you what they hate, openly and raw, even if you disagree with it.

9. Stubborn kids have this weird confidence and ego that they believe nothing can happen to them.

So what are the solutions?

You would need to observe and understand your child’s behavior carefully when applying these solutions. Dealing with your stubborn kids involves a lot of patience and effort.

1. Esteem them: You need to start appreciating their hard work and good behavior. All they need sometimes is for you to say a simple sentence: “Thank you” and you will begin to see changes.

2. Listen to them: In a relationship, there must be a two-way communication. If you want your stubborn kid to listen to you, you have to be willing to listen to them first in order to truly understand what is preventing them from listening to you.

3. Don’t yell at them: Yelling at a stubborn, defiant, or screaming kid will turn a normal conversation between you and your child into a shouting bout. I can tell you from experience that nothing changes. Instead, stay calm and wait for the appropriate time to speak.

4. Respect them – even if you are paying their bills, feeding them, or providing them with a roof over their heads. This may be difficult for you but you know respect is a two-way street. I’m not advocating that you immediately agree with all of their ideas. Most of the time, you just answer “sure” and then offer suggestions.

5. Establish Rules: I strongly believe that the whole world will be a complete mess if there isn’t any rules and the same is true at home. Kids need rules and discipline. Your stubborn kid should know that there will be consequences for their actions.

6. Give them options: Stubborn children don’t always like being told what to do. Give them options.

7. Negotiate with them: Sometimes it is necessary to negotiate with stubborn kids. When they don’t get what they want, they commonly act out.

8. Be friendly and open-minded with them.

9. Give them room: Allow them to fail, but control it; when they are ready, they will surely come around to talk. Donna Gorman told a story about an incident that happened in preschool: a teacher sent her youngest child, Ainsley, to sit by herself until she was ready to talk about something she’d done wrong. She sat through circle time, snack time, recess, story time, and music. It wasn’t until lunchtime that she finally decided to talk. The teacher was taken aback by her tenacity.

10. Don’t force changes on them: When you force stubborn kids into something, whether they like it or not, they tend to rebel.

11. Pray for them: If you are a believer, you will know the importance of prayer and you will begin to use it for your stubborn kids.

12. Know your kids’ friends: Show me your stubborn kids’ friends and I’ll tell you why they are acting stubborn. By applying what’s called wisdom, you can keep your kids from having friends that you don’t like. Evil communication corrupts good manners.

Pain, disappointment, shame, and restlessness are the end products if you refuse to fix your stubborn kids. Matthew and your stubborn kids, with all those attitudes and signs that you are fed up with, can come to an end if you carefully apply the solutions to what you have read in this piece.